through and through

"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through.  May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it."  1Thessalonians 5:23-24

strength

A strength of hope, of trust.  Not merely a strength of pushing forward or pushing through, but this sort of strength from within.  Not from me, but from within me.  My God, how great thou art.  How Your hope and trust has been blanketed upon me.  A gift of comforting warmth and protection, from all things, my circumstances and especially my inner urge to push on, push through, push forward.  Thank You Lord, for answering prayers, especially mine.  eegghh, it makes me want to cry in joyful adoration, Lord....You are so good to me and beyond what I could dream up to heal myself.  Thank you for Your patience, Lord.  I trust You and give my whole self to You again today.  May my actions praise You, honor You and bring glory to Your name.

job 10

“Your hands shaped me and made me.
   Will you now turn and destroy me?
Remember that you molded me like clay.
   Will you now turn me to dust again?
Did you not pour me out like milk
   and curdle me like cheese,
clothe me with skin and flesh
   and knit me together with bones and sinews?
You gave me life and showed me kindness,
   and in your providence watched over my spirit."


job 10:8-12

a hope greater than life

Miracles make it easy to believe in God, to trust Him, to have hope.  Lord, thank you for Your countless blessings and Your eager willingness to watch over me and guide my heart back into Your presence.  Even when I feel alone and abandoned by you, You remind me that You are here with me, in this place, and that You will never leave me no matter how rough the road or how stormy the sea, You will continue to guide those who trust and have hope in You.

the fog

This fog is like a prelude to: the days of tomorrow, to the days of no more sorrow.

To the dreams that turn to fears, and the fears that change to tears.

Till I wake alone in my winters bed,

Chilled salty emptiness upon my face,

Icey air that flurries around my head,

Leaden heart inveigles to end this race.

I long for thy presence and wait...

Longing for the days where I enjoy a sunset, where what follows I no longer dread.

For the days of laughter and cheers, covering all those of loneliness and fears.

This fog is thicker, now as I wait upon tomorrow...

psalm 37

Psalm 37

¹ Do not fret because of those who are evil
   or be envious of those who do wrong;
² for like the grass they will soon wither,
   like green plants they will soon die away.

 ³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
   dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 ⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
   trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
   your vindication like the noonday sun.

 ⁷ Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
   when they carry out their wicked schemes.

 ⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
   do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ For those who are evil will be destroyed,
   but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

 ¹⁰ A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
   though you look for them, they will not be found.
¹¹ But the meek will inherit the land
   and enjoy peace and prosperity.

 ¹² The wicked plot against the righteous
   and gnash their teeth at them;
¹³ but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
   for he knows their day is coming.

 ¹⁴ The wicked draw the sword
   and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
   to slay those whose ways are upright.
¹⁵ But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
   and their bows will be broken.

 ¹⁶ Better the little that the righteous have
   than the wealth of many wicked;
¹⁷ for the power of the wicked will be broken,
   but the LORD upholds the righteous.

 ¹⁸ The blameless spend their days under the LORD’s care,
   and their inheritance will endure forever.
¹⁹ In times of disaster they will not wither;
   in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.

 ²⁰ But the wicked will perish:
   Though the LORD’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
   they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.

 ²¹ The wicked borrow and do not repay,
   but the righteous give generously;
²² those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
   but those he curses will be destroyed.

 ²³ The LORD makes firm the steps
   of the one who delights in him;
²⁴ though he may stumble, he will not fall,
   for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

 ²⁵ I was young and now I am old,
   yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
   or their children begging bread.
²⁶ They are always generous and lend freely;
   their children will be a blessing.^[b]

 ²⁷ Turn from evil and do good;
   then you will dwell in the land forever.
²⁸ For the LORD loves the just
   and will not forsake his faithful ones.

   Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed^[c];
   the offspring of the wicked will perish.
²⁹ The righteous will inherit the land
   and dwell in it forever.

 ³⁰ The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
   and their tongues speak what is just.
³¹ The law of their God is in their hearts;
   their feet do not slip.

 ³² The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
   intent on putting them to death;
³³ but the LORD will not leave them in the power of the wicked
   or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

 ³⁴ Hope in the LORD
   and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
   when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.

 ³⁵ I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
   flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
³⁶ but he soon passed away and was no more;
   though I looked for him, he could not be found.

 ³⁷ Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
   a future awaits those who seek peace.^[d]
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
   there will be no future^[e] for the wicked.

 ³⁹ The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
   he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
⁴⁰ The LORD helps them and delivers them;
   he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
   because they take refuge in him.

an army of protection

I'll wait on You Lord (creator, redeemer, sustainer of the universe, all-loving, all-knowing, all powerful, sovereign God, Father in heaven who: died for me, for all; who is all goodness, all righteousness, pure justice, all-merciful and full of grace).  Take this heart and this body and make it Your home, live and breathe inside of it.  May your glory be praised in all words and all ways, may your light shine beyond the dim grey of my ways.  Conquer this heart and this mind, I need Your power and strength; I long for your goodness in the places that my humanity clings to.  Unbind my grip on the things that are not of you, please place Yourself at the forefront of my mind, as a soldier at the gate of my heart, the key at the entrance of my mouth and as an army in every fiber of my being; protecting and fighting for what is good and right and glorifying to You, Lord.

We spoke today,
You shared your dismay,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I am a wretch,
diserving of death,
I go my own way, I go my own way.

Your word is living breath,
and still I turn away?!
Help me today, help me today!

I surrender this heart
I give you my body,
And I pray, I pray.

Your light is within me,
Your very Spirit, living,
May you stay, please stay!

here again

I find myself here again,

My tears fall on Your feet again.

Only a moment you keep me here,

With bleeding heart You draw me near.

You ask me where I've been,
And you remind me of who you've been.

You tell me that I'm forgiven,
Undeserving of how I've been livin'.

You hold me in your right arm,
And keep me from eternal harm.

You ask me to follow You,
And I pray, Lord help me to.

You are victorious in all that You do,
I pray for Your light to shine through.

none like You

a grey day

It's another grey day, among the first of more to follow in increasing density.  I wonder why it's always the grey days that lend me to pause.  It's this grey indifference, stuck in the middle of of choosing a weather pole.  In an odd way I feel like I can relate to this grey day; not out of choice, but out of circumstance.  You know this circumstance frustrates me; I disagree with You and yet concede to Your will, recognizing all of my inadaquacies, and finally accepting what I know to be true--You are God.

My heart longs for the bright warmth of the sun, embracing the joy and the hope of life, but I am here, ever-conscious of the weather's indifference.  And I find myself pondering the similarities with the grey; within myself--this longing for joy, that lingers in hope; this ambivalence toward love, a confidence amid my uncertainties about life.  Spring feels like a long way off, yet I discover more of what He desires for me to surrender--the small moments of the day; eye contact, a smile, a thank you, a listening ear, a simple response, a note, a hug.  It's as if this grey-ness has sensitized me to what's going on around me, to focus on the people in my days, becoming aware of their needs, their desires, their emptiness that the Lord has graciously filled within my heart.

This season of grey, feels distinct though.  It's as though I'm on a brink--a new exciting endeavor, a mirage that hasn't quite taken shape yet, an adventure, to be sure.  Lord, my hope rests in You, taking sanctuary in Your word and Your daily gifts of encouragement.  I cry out to You, Lord, longing to be rid of these feelings of loss, hurt, and pain, these tears that sting my face, but I'm halted there, embolden by You and Your truths and Your promises calling me out of my woes and into discernment--not in it's conclusivity, but in its inception.  The innermost part of my being takes joy in embarking on this new leg of the thread of our journey together in this epic of Your story You have been unfolding since the beginning of time.  What do You want me to learn, what do You want me to discover dwelling in this place, on this grey day?  What shall I take into tomorrow, I did not possess at dawn?

for You are with me

remember God

Psalm 105

What is laid out in Psalm 105 is a beautiful picture of God remembering His promises and delivering His people into those promises.  Last week I spoke about Abraham and God's covenant with him, in addition to the story of Isaac in my small group.  While studying to teach and and walking through it with the girls it really struck me how profound and amazing God is...and how time and situation are no boundaries for God.  He promised a nearly 100 year old man have a son from a barren wife--wow, and then on top of that, that He would make a great nation from his seed.  In full view of God and out of a faithful heart, Abraham was willing to sacrifice his one and only son whom he waited for for a very long time.  This is humbling because I find myself trying to cling to and hold onto the thing I so desperately did not want to lose--not trusting God with His plans or purposes in my life.  It has also been encouraging listening to a series by Allstair Begg in Genesis about the life of Joseph--and how God was working all things for His good, even though certain situations seemed hopeless.  God was there and remained constant while all ridiculous things happened to Joseph: sold by his own brothers and wrongfully imprisoned for years.  Finally Joseph was redeemed by God and put in charge of all of Egypt by Pharaoh and forgave and was reconciled with his brothers and father.  But these horrendous events had to happen for Joseph to be the man that God was creating him to be, for God's purposes, and ultimately for God's story of redemption and revealing His character, truth, and love to His people.

Which triggers this other notion that ultimately this is not my life, I am not the star in my life, God is...and this is His beautiful story of love, redemption and reconciliation that he is unfolding on earth; I am merely a piece of His puzzle, working for His glory.  The purpose of my life is to glorify God, but this is not a passive role, it is an active role of I must play, continuing to get to know who I am and who and what God created me for--not in a narrow-minded way, but in a responsible way that is glorifying to God and His kingdom.  Lord, show me, teach me, grow me in these areas of self knowledge so that I may be able to serve You, knowing who You have designed me to be.

seek the Lord

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; 
he delivered me from all my fears. 
Those who look to him are radiant; 
their faces are never covered with shame. 
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; 
he saved him out of all his troubles. (Psalm 34:4-6)


Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD. (Psalm 34:8-11)



The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken. (Psalm 34:17-20)


"Look to me continually for help, comfort, and companionship. Because I am always by your side, the briefest glance can connect you with Me. When you look to Me for help, it flows freely from My Presence. This recognition of your need for Me, in small matter as well as in large ones, keeps you spiritually alive. 


When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in My arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it. My constant Companionship is the piece de resistance: the summit of salvation blessings. No matter what losses you experience in your life, no one can take away this glorious gift."
October 16, Jesus Calling 

Lord, You are sovereign

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)


Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.  He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created. (James 1:17-18)


Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.  Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.  (James 1:22-25)


Lord, You are sovereign over all things, in all things, and through all things.  It is who You are, part of the very nature of Your being.  So when I begin to get sad about my circumstances or am temped to question You, please turn me back to trusting You Lord.  I pray Your will be done.  I pray that You would help me to pursue Your goodness and cling to Your promises and the truth of who You are.  Lord, I surrender my heart and this situation to You today, even in all of my longings and hopes, because I have a greater hope that is in You and rooted in my relationship with You, knowing You and recognizing how much I need You in everything.  I am filled with Your gift of joy today, knowing that this trial will produce perseverance, and I pray that this perseverance would finish it's work, so that I may become mature in my faith and complete one day standing before You.  My hope is rooted in You, knowing that You are working all things out for good.  


...deeper than my view of grace, higher than this worldly place, longer than this road I've travelled, wider than the gap you fill....

i will hold on hope

breathe of fresh air

Today is a new day.  There is this sadness still in my heart, that will probably linger there for quite a while, but this weekend has refreshed me, renewed me in such a way that has refocused my life around Jesus.  I think part of myself got lost in trying to restore the philosopher's hope in You Lord.  In the midst of my relationship with the philosopher and our identities not being rooted in You, Lord, I began to lose knowing who I am.  I was reminded last night in the presence of Your love and mercy that my identity is in You.  What makes me me is that I know and love You and that I want to live a life in response to Your saving love.  So many times You have saved me from things and out of things that when the philosopher broke up with me, I was a little lost, not being firmly rooted in my identity in You.  It's as if in his uncertainties about life and me rubbed off on me and I lost who I was--it's embarrassing to admit that someone could have such an effect on me, but I love him and when he started pulling away I naturally thought there was something wrong with me and tried to figure it out, therein questioning everything about myself and who I was.  Well, I'm on my way back to knowing myself beginning with knowing the most important thing about me, and that's that my identity is rooted in Christ, not in what I do, not my accomplishments, not who my friends are, but in You who died for my sins and placed Your spirit inside of me.  Whatever happens with the philosopher and I, I trust You completely and completely surrender our relationship to You.  You breathed Your breathe into man (Gen 2:7) and gave him life, just as You breathed Your life into me, I pray that I would become a catalyst for your love transferring Your breathe of life out into the world.


Difficult circumstances, trials, tribulations will come, but You are still God.  You remain the ever-present, never-changing, always-loving God who is living inside of me.  You say that "[I am, myself] God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in [my] midst" (1Cor. 3:16), You say to me "I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters" (2 Cor. 6:18); You tell me to "not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deut.31:6).  Lord, thank You for being Yourself....that sounds silly, but seriously, thank You!!!  Thank You for revealing Your love for me so quickly, even when I wanted to ignore it and just be sad, depressed, and without hope...You tell me, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer. 29:11) and "in all things God works for the good of those who love him" (Rom. 8:28) and Lord I love You.


And my verse for 2011:  "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2Cor 5:16)

running

more rain

rain

So many thoughts flood my mind, so many feelings, ambivalent to each other, longing cohesion and understanding.

It's raining today, not an ounce of hope for the sun.  It's almost as if God mourns with me in this grey dismal world.  After today there will be tomorrow and then more days after that, getting further and further away from yesterday, when we talked and he held me and in the midst of his confusion, I was still with him and we made each other laugh and said that we loved each other.

I understand where he is coming from and understand his confusion, I just don't understand how we can feel this way about each other and You not make it work.  Lord, please be with him.  Nothing has ever hurt like this.  Lord, my whole being aches.  I long to be with You, please take me from this place, please be done with me here, there is no more good that can come of me.  I wanted to live a hundred years with him, but I can't see living one more day without him.

The joy has gone, it has left me.  Lord, what do I do?  Lord, please make it easier to breath, help me to eat, even though food has no taste.  Please help me get through today.  You are with me, Your Spirit is inside me, You are working all things out for the good of those who love You.  Lord, I love You.  I do not like what is happening right now, but I trust and know that You know what You are doing.

I am lost

I feel abandoned.
I feel no grace.
I am so foreign in this familiar place.

I long for silence,
I'll wait for nothing.
I am the darkness that invades this space.

I am alone
And have no faith
For You have left me, and distance is near.

I am a void, an abyss.
With only loneliness that fills my emptiness.

more than conquerers

At this very moment, my entire heart does not have even a hint of thirst after my acceptance by God.  I am alone with Him and He fills every void.  I do not have one wish, one will, or one desire, except in Him.  He has set my feet in His large room.  And I am in awe, standing amazed that He has conquered everything within me, through His love.  Lady Huntington


Holy are You, Lord, whose power and love knows no bounds!  Lord, I pray that I would not have one wish, one will, or one desire outside of You--that You would conquer every notion that would stand in opposition to You and fill every part of my being with Your love.  Lord, I pray that I would know You in this way, that I would live from a place of union with You--that no decision would be made apart from You.  Lord, "[I] do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is [my] life? [I am] a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, [I] ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that” so that Your hand would be at work in my life and You would be glorified (James 4:14,15).  Lord I do not know what tomorrow brings, or if You will bring me a tomorrow, but I pray that You would be glorified and praised in my heart today, that my life would reflect Your truth and love, that I would not fear anything, for You are with me; and that the freedom that comes from living in Your truth would bring honesty and transparency to my thoughts and actions. 


Please give me wisdom and understanding for today Lord.  Please work in my heart and teach me today.  "Great are you, O Lord, and exceedingly worthy of praise; your power is immense, and your wisdom beyond reckoning. And so we men, who are a due part of your creation, long to praise you – we also carry our mortality about with us, carry the evidence of our sin and with it the proof that you thwart the proud. You arouse us so that praising you may bring us joy, because you have made us and drawn us to yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you" (Saint Augustine, Confessions 1, 1).  May my heart rest in You, and not let the temporality of this world thwart me from Your presence.  May my feelings come and go, while my heart stays rooted in You, my days in union with You, and my thoughts, words, and actions encouraged by You, through You, so that You may be glorified.  I cry out to You today, Lord, for the clarity of Your still small voice to be ever-present in my mind, leading me in what I ought to do and where I ought to go.  "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
       “For your sake we face death all day long;
         we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life...will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:35-39)  


"I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears. 
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them."  (Psalm 34:4-7)

art

God, I am here for Your benefit, for Your glory, for Your name to be praised.  Whatever You may bring about in this life, may it be for my growth in Your Spirit, through Your Son, for Your glory.  I pray that my life would be an display of Your love, mercy, grace, forgiveness, peace, patience, long-suffering, perseverance, truth, and hope; not for my glory but for the One who lives inside me and through me.  This heart, which You have freed from bondage and rescued from death, may You abide in it and live through it, strengthen it, and call it home.  "Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s." (1 Cor. 6: 19-20)

this deep

How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

And make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the Chosen One

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross

My sin upon His shoulders

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom

Why should I gain from His reward

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom

love abides

I've entertained the idea of getting a tattoo that reads "love abides" for about 5 years.  I have yet to get it and know that I probably will not follow through with it, and will remain writing these words on my left wrist as a reminder of God's love and His Spirit that abides in me.


When I feel lost, alone, unloved; these two small words remind me of God's Spirit which has been placed inside me and that His love abides in me, as I aim to abide in the love of Christ--accepting and trusting His promises and living in obedience to His commands.  I pray for this joy you speak of Lord.  This joy that rests in hope of eternal life even while living in this temporal world.  Feelings may come and go, but Your love is eternal, and abiding.


“I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.   


“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.
“These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.
John 15: 5-13

truth

"For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened.  Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles. 

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen." Romans 1: 21-25

truth, by Lauren Hanson, circa. 2005.

A little piece of art I did back in the day... a darker day.  As dark as it is and as dark of a time in my life as it was, the paradox of this piece of are is that I knew the truth--and even though I kept "denying the truth", in all reality I could not.  God would eventually lead my heart away from this darkness and into His light.  God is the truth, and the truth of who He is, speaks louder than any circumstance, feeling, even choices made in rejection to His abiding and abounding love.  When we decide to take control of our own lives, apart from God and outside of His guidance, we will find ourselves here in this desolate place.  We "bypass the realities of the heart and soul from which life really flows "(p. 140, Hearing God) when we attempt to direct our lives, verses allowing God to do His work in us and through us for our good and His glory.

Lately, I've been getting this notion of God leading me to "let go"; let go of all of the things I desire, and surrender and submit myself at His feet.  God has been refining me and moving me into a state of desperate dependence on Him.  He is calling me into a relationship that is daily and momently, relying on His strength and power through communicating with Him.  By His power alone, am I made able.  "When we consider a life of participation in God's kingdom rule, we are not looking at anything that we must make happen.  The extent of our obligation is to be honestly willing and eager to be made able." (p.136, Hearing God, Willard).  Lord, I am willing and eager to be made able to participate in Your kingdom, for the glory of Your name, so that all might know the love and freedom You freely give!  Lord, You are great beyond all measure.  You hear the cries of my heart and You speak to me.  My home I find in You, in Your will, in obedience to You, only by Your strength and Your power, and Your mercy, and forgiveness, and love.  You are my peace.  You are my hope.         

the cure for pain

patience for today and tomorrow

“And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise” (Heb. 6:15).

Abraham was long tried, but he was richly rewarded. The Lord tried him by delaying to fulfil His promise. Satan tried him by temptation; men tried him by jealousy, distrust, and opposition; Sarah tried him by her peevishness. But he patiently endured. He did not question God’s veracity, nor limit His power, nor doubt His faithfulness, nor grieve His love; but he bowed to Divine Sovereignty, submitted to Infinite Wisdom, and was silent under delays, waiting the Lord’s time. And so, having patiently endured, he obtained the promise.

God’s promises cannot fail of their accomplishment. Patient waiters cannot be disappointed. Believing expectation shall be realized.

Beloved, Abraham’s conduct condemns a hasty spirit, reproves a murmuring one, commends a patient one, and encourages quiet submission to God’s will and way. Remember, Abraham was tried; he patiently waited; he received the promise, and was satisfied. Imitate his example, and you will share the same blessing.  (Excerpt from Streams in the Desert, Sept. 11.)

Lord, this is my prayer, that I would not limit your power or question your faithfulness.  May I hold tightly to You Lord, leaning into Your divine strength and power, comforted by Your love.  My trust is in You, may it be steadfast.  My hope is in You, may it endure forever.  My good is what You desire, for Your glory...Lord, imprint these desires on my heart.  I long for presence in eternity with You Lord, may Your spirit dwell in me, may Your strength sustain me, may Your love embrace me, may Your patience become my own until that day.  You have placed desires in my heart and I know that they would not be there if you did not place them there.  Lord, I trust Your timing, by Your blessing, You will fulfill Your promises, or You will extinguish them from me.  Lord, my hope is in You, creator, sustainer, savior of the universe.  You love me, are working in me, and are refining me for Your glory and Your kingdom.  Through a period of upheaval, I welcome the refining Lord because I know that You are drawing me closer to You and strengthening my faith.  By Your grace and mercy and power and love You have blessed me with incredible strength and a trust in Your faithfulness, Lord please continue to let me rest within the safety of Your wings.  Only by Your power can I do anything.

This current experience is a rainbow, Your promise to me that You would never let me go.  Four years ago I found myself in a similar experience and struggled to cling to You.  I clung to other things, anything I could find that I felt like I could control.  I cried for months, I stopped eating, i stopped talking to You, I questioned You, I didn't trust You, I asked how You could do this to me, to my heart.  Lord, no matter what happens, I trust You completely!  You have rescued me from dark destructive places and restored me.  You are faithful, and I know that You will never let me go.  Remembering Your faithfulness, especially in the midst of my distrust, encourages me even now when I could be turning away.  I could resign to my own decisions, my own devices, my own destruction; and yet I know that I have a God who knows me and loves me and has been working inside me for so long.  I pray that You would always keep me in a place of utter dependence on You Lord, I can't and don't want to do this life on my own.  

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."  Romans 5:1-5


I rejoice in the hope of the glory of God!  Hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.   

9/11

Broken Lungs - Thrice


Woke up to a brand new skyline
We licked our wounds and mourn the dead
Swallow the story hook and sinker
Is that what we meant when we said
That we never would forget?

Are we fools and cowards all
To let them cover up their lies?
Cause we all watched the buildings fall
Watched the scales fall from our eyes

A fire burns beneath Manhattan
Still we breathe with broken lungs
We act like none of this matters
Is that what we meant When we said
That we'd sing what must be sung?

Are we fools and cowards all
To let them cover up their lies?
Cause we all watched the buildings fall
Watched the scales fall from our eyes

We want answers
Scream from the roofs
We want justice
We want the truth

true love

I am sad because I miss you, I miss you because I love you, I love you because I now know what love truly is.  What I want most in the world is what is good and right for you.  I want what is best for you, God's best for you; even if it means being without me (my body and soul shutter at the thought, but this is true).  I want you to live a life that is honoring and glorifying to God, using the gifts that He has blessed you with, and pursuing the passions He has put in your heart.  I see us doing this together, along side one another, building each other up, encouraging each other, challenging each other, and throughout all of these things, loving each other--with the love that God has blessed us with and calls us to, a love that "forgets itself and saves the other from death" (paraphrase for Works of Love, S.K.).

I have hope.  This hope is not of my own, but from the Lord who saves.  Through His power, strength, and deep love for me (even me a sinner, deserving of death), "I cry out to God Most High, to God who performs all things for me.  He shall send from heaven and save me; He reproaches the one who would swallow me up.  Selah God shall send forth His mercy and His truth" to which I cling--may I not be moved (Psa 57: 2 - 3).  My hope is not in my love, even though I do hope for him, but ultimately my hope is in the creator and savior of the universe--I know no matter what trials may come, He is in me, in my heart, steadfast to the end of this life.  In the midst of this trial, I recall past tribulation, pain, and loss and remember how Christ has been there through it all and had recovered my soul and continued to teach, mold, and grow in me, strengthening my relationship with Him.

I feel like I am in a bit of a holding pattern, waiting on God, waiting for Him to speak to you, waiting for you to respond to me, but maybe He is still waiting on me, waiting to teach me more, waiting to show me more of who He wants me to be?  Lord, whatever the case, I pray that you would continue what you are doing in both my and my love's hearts and give us Your divine power and strength to pursue You and give us ears to hear what You want to teach us.  May we continue to grow in Your love, through which, loving each other would result.  Your will be done.

august 26th

"Trust Me in the midst of a messy day.  Your inner calm--your Peace in My Presence--need not be shaken by what is going on around you.  Though you live in this temporal world, you innermost being is rooted and grounded in eternity.  When you start to feel stressed, detach yourself from the disturbances around you.  Instead of desperately striving to maintain order and control in you little world, relax and remember that circumstances cannot touch My Peace.

Seek My Face, and I will share My mind with you, opening your eyes to see things from My perspective.  Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not be afraid.  The Peace I give is sufficient for you."

--Today, from Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young

Lord, make Yourself strong in my weakness, my peace does not feel peaceful--give me Your peace Lord.  Part of my heart is missing, overwhelm it with Your love.  I feel empty, I feel weak, I feel lost, and yet I feel this weird strength, this weird hope--an erie strength beyond my tears and this weakened body.  Lord, why have You given me this so quickly, while my eyes still sting and tears still fall, while my heart still aches?  Lord, you are so merciful.  How undeserving of this love and comfort, I am.  You have given me a supernatural trust, my hope is firmly rooted in You, Lord, in the eternal.

Obedience is the answer.

Obedience is the answer.  I've been ignoring You.  I've been disregarding Your voice.  I've heard and not obeyed, thought I knew what was best.  I forfeit all of what I want to You Lord. I lay surrendered at Your feet, awaiting Your direction, Your divine guidance, Lord.  You have been merciful to me, when I don't deserve it.  You have blessed me beyond belief and now taken the thing I was holding on to, too tightly away in order to teach me a lesson.  My lesson, my call is to obedience.  It's simple, and You gave me ample opportunity to choose You, choose goodness, and righteousness, choose holiness, and yet I did not.  In my humanity and passions I chose 'my way', I chose what I wanted, verses what You want for me.

"How much more do you want to give good gifts to those who love you?"  What does it take?  It takes being forced to let go of the thing that you love, the idol that being put in a place that God should occupy.  Lord, what You have begun You will make complete, You will finish the race, the battle is won, and the the victory is Yours!  In the midst of this hurt, this sorrow, this sadness and pain, I know that You are here.  You are with me and in me and working all of these things out for my good and Your glory.

Stepping back, looking at the situation, I am thankful and grateful for the God of the universe, not allowing me to proceed in such a way.  I do not want my life to be lived in the weakness of sin, but in the power of God.  I am a sinner, it's inescapable, but I have the Savior of the World with me, and working inside of me, helping me, guiding me, growing me closer to Himself, and what He desires for me; so that my life might be honoring and glorifying to Him.  Lord, You continue to rescue me from my circumstances and myself, thank you for reminding me of who You are and how much I need You, and that You need to be at the center of my life.  Even if You are second in a line of a billion, I have not placed You in Your rightful position.  'Everything was made in You, breathe of every living thing, everything was made for You'--Lord I surrender this life to You, for whom it is purposed, may You continue to work and use my life for You and Your purposes and Your glory, even though it will be painful and confusing at times.  Ultimately I know You, I know who You are and what You want; please mold the desires of my heart to want what You want and heed Your word, may Your will be done.

new creation

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Now then, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us: we implore you on Christ’s behalf, be reconciled to God. For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him."  2 Cor. 5:17-21

His hands.

He's got the whole world in his hands.

Your strength

Lord, Father in heaven, creator, sustainer, and savior of the universe, thank you for today, this new day.  I come to your feet and submit my heart before you, my sin before you Lord.  Please prune my heart and conform me to your will Lord, make Your will, my own.  I long to be aligned to your will and in obedience to You.  Please strengthen me to pursue You and hold fast to what You have called me.  Lord, I hear your voice in my heart, I even hear You in my head, but my own thoughts and weakness and even evil spirits bring thoughts in my mind that tear me away from You.  Lord, I pray that You would banish them out of my mind, clear my mind to be filled solely with Your truth, love, Spirit, Your word, Lord.

Your love will not let me go.  I know this.  There is nothing that You have already planned that won't be accomplished and there is nothing that is too difficult that You will put before me.  I pray that you would give me the strength and courage to tackle these obstacles as they come--that You would be my strength and that all of my courage would come from You, Lord.

doctors

Today I went to get blood taken and the woman who was signing me in was asking me all of the typical questions, address, phone number, date of birth, etc... and then she asked me "what is your religious preference"...I was so caught off guard, at first because they made it sound like an airplane menu--"what is your meal preference", then I was curious if they were legally allowed to even ask that, followed shortly by the thought that 'I am Christian of course, I believe in the truth...duh.  While juggling these thoughts I lost track of what was actually coming out of my mouth, which turned out to be: "Jesus".  So, Jesus was my religious preference ha, ha, funny and interesting response in the moment and yet true.  I then proceeded to laugh at my self and corrected myself by saying Christian...., which was then followed by the thought that worried me the most...is there something I should be worried about? Are there some serious risks I should know about before getting my blood drawn?  Then the humor faded and the seriousness of the trillions of things that could be wrong with me began to flood my mind...I hope nothing is seriously wrong with me, I hope whatever it is, that it is treatable and manageable.  Lord, I place whatever this is, totally in your hands.

He is radical

Lord, You are faithful.  How beautiful and radical my life has been lately!  I knock and You answer, in some ways subtly and others wildly apparent!  Oh the joy that fills my soul!

I don't know whether it's just this time of year or maybe just this period in my life where you are becoming more and more obvious in my life.  The themes of these last few months have been wait, keep waiting, hope--hope in what is to come, hope in what is eternal, hope in the midst of your present circumstances, and in continual reminding that you are in me and you are with me and that you love me.  Seeing you work and move in my Aunt's heart on Easter was glorious!  It was a beautiful reminder of who are and what you are doing all around us all the time.  You are moving in your children and I pray that you would continue to help me see that in my life and circumstances and become more attune to you and how you are moving in me and the people I do life with.  Please move in me and help me to point to you with my life and encourage others toward your truth so that they might know you.

to be great

I've previously address this longing to do great things, big things with my life, sometimes justifying this desire with wanting to do them for God and His kingdom, with a completely sincere heart, yet still a longing to do big things, important things.  Longing for a purpose and a drive that would be obvious and tangible.  


But today, this notion of doing small things for God's kingdom really struck me.  I may not be the next big ambassador for God in a large, tangible, presidential way, but that may not be what God is calling me to. God simply calls me to love him, obey Him, trust Him, serve Him, and all do all of these things for my "neighbor".  I've had to humble myself to this idea of living my life in a real way with God, dependent on His strength and leaning into his love, mercy, and grace on a daily basis.  This doesn't mean that God won't use me to do good things for His purposes, just that I will be doing His will, verses my own.


   

ma'am...

I've decided I need to start using my eye cream again, and get more of the anti-wrinkle cream I recently ran out of.  I've felt pretty young and healthy lately, and yet this weekend I was called "ma'am" twice.  "Ma'am", really?  "Yes, sir....?"

I thought I felt a bit older at 25, but it's definitely 26--this is old.  I can diffinitively say that I feel old, after being called ma'am....twice.

alternative lifestyle

My goal for 2011 was to be healthier in all aspects of my life, in order to be more loving to the people around me.  So far I've gotten into a pretty good routine talking to God every morning, I've struggled with saying yes to too many social events, but we're working on it, and the final piece to my healthier lifestyle is eating better....

I fall into the category of people who eats "pretty well" and "everything in relative moderation", and I've never put myself on a "diet"; but as of late I've looked into different fad diets and read articles about different types of food and the effect they have on the body, which has really raised more questions than disclosed answers.

Eating Real Food, no carb. Diet, day 4---last night was difficult when the bread basket came to the table, but it was a small victory!