remember, I Am who I Am

May I feel the fullness of your love and grace in the hole that's in my heart.  This crater that you have let form, may you fill it with your overwhelming love and hope and peace and patience, Lord.  You, the God that can create and move mountains, can change hearts and give hope, in places left empty by the world.  

May I not take your grace lightly, may I sit before your feet and begin to grasp the gravity of your grace, the costliness of which You have paid for my sin; and respond with a life that acknowledges this profound gift, without ever taking it lightly or for granted.  

Your gifts are overwhelming and you lavish them upon me, Lord.  May my heart stay humble and thankful before you, even in the midst of things being taken from me or removed from my life--for You know what will be a blessing and honor to Your name and Your kingdom.  When I question and begin to doubt Your purposes in my life, may You remind me that You are sovereign, that You love me, and that You are working all things out for my good and Your glory, Lord.  

Remember.  That's what I hear You saying to me.  Remember, where I have taken You from, remember what I have saved You from, remember who I have called you to be, remember how I responded to you when you have cried out to me, remember what I have taught You, remember my words and my works in your life, Lauren.  Remember who I am.  Look around you, do you see this beautiful world I have created, look into the eyes of the people I have placed in your life, listen for My still small voice in our time together.  You are my daughter, whom I've known before you were born, I love you and I will not let you go, I am with you and living inside of you, I will not leave you or forsake you, you are beautiful in my eyes and I will see My work in you through the end of this life--till we meet face to face. 

a grey day

It's another grey day, among the first of more to follow in increasing density.  I wonder why it's always the grey days that lend me to pause.  It's this grey indifference, stuck in the middle of of choosing a weather pole.  In an odd way I feel like I can relate to this grey day; not out of choice, but out of circumstance.  You know this circumstance frustrates me; I disagree with You and yet concede to Your will, recognizing all of my inadaquacies, and finally accepting what I know to be true--You are God.

My heart longs for the bright warmth of the sun, embracing the joy and the hope of life, but I am here, ever-conscious of the weather's indifference.  And I find myself pondering the similarities with the grey; within myself--this longing for joy, that lingers in hope; this ambivalence toward love, a confidence amid my uncertainties about life.  Spring feels like a long way off, yet I discover more of what He desires for me to surrender--the small moments of the day; eye contact, a smile, a thank you, a listening ear, a simple response, a note, a hug.  It's as if this grey-ness has sensitized me to what's going on around me, to focus on the people in my days, becoming aware of their needs, their desires, their emptiness that the Lord has graciously filled within my heart.

This season of grey, feels distinct though.  It's as though I'm on a brink--a new exciting endeavor, a mirage that hasn't quite taken shape yet, an adventure, to be sure.  Lord, my hope rests in You, taking sanctuary in Your word and Your daily gifts of encouragement.  I cry out to You, Lord, longing to be rid of these feelings of loss, hurt, and pain, these tears that sting my face, but I'm halted there, embolden by You and Your truths and Your promises calling me out of my woes and into discernment--not in it's conclusivity, but in its inception.  The innermost part of my being takes joy in embarking on this new leg of the thread of our journey together in this epic of Your story You have been unfolding since the beginning of time.  What do You want me to learn, what do You want me to discover dwelling in this place, on this grey day?  What shall I take into tomorrow, I did not possess at dawn?

for You are with me

remember God

Psalm 105

What is laid out in Psalm 105 is a beautiful picture of God remembering His promises and delivering His people into those promises.  Last week I spoke about Abraham and God's covenant with him, in addition to the story of Isaac in my small group.  While studying to teach and and walking through it with the girls it really struck me how profound and amazing God is...and how time and situation are no boundaries for God.  He promised a nearly 100 year old man have a son from a barren wife--wow, and then on top of that, that He would make a great nation from his seed.  In full view of God and out of a faithful heart, Abraham was willing to sacrifice his one and only son whom he waited for for a very long time.  This is humbling because I find myself trying to cling to and hold onto the thing I so desperately did not want to lose--not trusting God with His plans or purposes in my life.  It has also been encouraging listening to a series by Allstair Begg in Genesis about the life of Joseph--and how God was working all things for His good, even though certain situations seemed hopeless.  God was there and remained constant while all ridiculous things happened to Joseph: sold by his own brothers and wrongfully imprisoned for years.  Finally Joseph was redeemed by God and put in charge of all of Egypt by Pharaoh and forgave and was reconciled with his brothers and father.  But these horrendous events had to happen for Joseph to be the man that God was creating him to be, for God's purposes, and ultimately for God's story of redemption and revealing His character, truth, and love to His people.

Which triggers this other notion that ultimately this is not my life, I am not the star in my life, God is...and this is His beautiful story of love, redemption and reconciliation that he is unfolding on earth; I am merely a piece of His puzzle, working for His glory.  The purpose of my life is to glorify God, but this is not a passive role, it is an active role of I must play, continuing to get to know who I am and who and what God created me for--not in a narrow-minded way, but in a responsible way that is glorifying to God and His kingdom.  Lord, show me, teach me, grow me in these areas of self knowledge so that I may be able to serve You, knowing who You have designed me to be.

seek the Lord

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; 
he delivered me from all my fears. 
Those who look to him are radiant; 
their faces are never covered with shame. 
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; 
he saved him out of all his troubles. (Psalm 34:4-6)


Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD. (Psalm 34:8-11)



The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken. (Psalm 34:17-20)


"Look to me continually for help, comfort, and companionship. Because I am always by your side, the briefest glance can connect you with Me. When you look to Me for help, it flows freely from My Presence. This recognition of your need for Me, in small matter as well as in large ones, keeps you spiritually alive. 


When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in My arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it. My constant Companionship is the piece de resistance: the summit of salvation blessings. No matter what losses you experience in your life, no one can take away this glorious gift."
October 16, Jesus Calling 

more than conquerers

At this very moment, my entire heart does not have even a hint of thirst after my acceptance by God.  I am alone with Him and He fills every void.  I do not have one wish, one will, or one desire, except in Him.  He has set my feet in His large room.  And I am in awe, standing amazed that He has conquered everything within me, through His love.  Lady Huntington


Holy are You, Lord, whose power and love knows no bounds!  Lord, I pray that I would not have one wish, one will, or one desire outside of You--that You would conquer every notion that would stand in opposition to You and fill every part of my being with Your love.  Lord, I pray that I would know You in this way, that I would live from a place of union with You--that no decision would be made apart from You.  Lord, "[I] do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is [my] life? [I am] a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, [I] ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that” so that Your hand would be at work in my life and You would be glorified (James 4:14,15).  Lord I do not know what tomorrow brings, or if You will bring me a tomorrow, but I pray that You would be glorified and praised in my heart today, that my life would reflect Your truth and love, that I would not fear anything, for You are with me; and that the freedom that comes from living in Your truth would bring honesty and transparency to my thoughts and actions. 


Please give me wisdom and understanding for today Lord.  Please work in my heart and teach me today.  "Great are you, O Lord, and exceedingly worthy of praise; your power is immense, and your wisdom beyond reckoning. And so we men, who are a due part of your creation, long to praise you – we also carry our mortality about with us, carry the evidence of our sin and with it the proof that you thwart the proud. You arouse us so that praising you may bring us joy, because you have made us and drawn us to yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you" (Saint Augustine, Confessions 1, 1).  May my heart rest in You, and not let the temporality of this world thwart me from Your presence.  May my feelings come and go, while my heart stays rooted in You, my days in union with You, and my thoughts, words, and actions encouraged by You, through You, so that You may be glorified.  I cry out to You today, Lord, for the clarity of Your still small voice to be ever-present in my mind, leading me in what I ought to do and where I ought to go.  "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
       “For your sake we face death all day long;
         we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life...will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:35-39)  


"I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears. 
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them."  (Psalm 34:4-7)

the cure for pain

Garden Theology

The other day, while attempting to rip out weeds in our garden I began cutting back our enormous over-grown tomato plant, and the concept of the vine and the branches became clearer in such a tangible way.  I was cutting off the dead branches and the ones that looked scrawny so that the stronger branches could continue to grow and bear fruit.  It was almost a little funny how sensitive I was toward this tomato plant; plucking it’s little branches and cutting off the dead branches, and ripping a good portion of the plant out completely so that it could grow new, and into a healthier plant that might actually bear fruit.  I actually apologized to the plant out loud about what I was doing and told it that it will actually end up being so much better for it—I feel like this is what God is saying to me right now.  He is taking the bad parts out and cutting things off, and it might hurt for a short time, but it will be better in the long run.  Ultimately I just want to be a healthy plant that bears good fruit, even if it feels like the gardener is ripping parts out from me right now; He knows what He is doing. 

The analogy continues…  So far in this analogy we have, God the Gardener and me/us the over-grown non-producing tomato plant, who are we missing?  That’s right, the grasshopper.  The stubborn, hungry, selfish grasshopper/Satan.  Let me set this up for you:  There I am trimming back this plant, tugging, ripping, etc. and then out of the corner of my eye I see this dead, brown branch,…nope, it’s a grasshopper having his lunch.  I tried to shoo it away by shaking the plant some more, he didn’t budge.  I tried throwing empty plastic pots at it, I don’t even think I interrupted his chewing.  Three pots, and not even a taunting glance, argh!  I couldn’t kill it, nor would I know how for fear of it flying in my face, so I just let it be.  But Satan was totally embodied in that stubborn grasshopper, eating and gnawing away at you/me/the tomato plant, slowly eating away at the plant and is even more glued to and ready to pounce when the plant begins to bear fruit.  I hate grasshoppers.  And satan.