rain

So many thoughts flood my mind, so many feelings, ambivalent to each other, longing cohesion and understanding.

It's raining today, not an ounce of hope for the sun.  It's almost as if God mourns with me in this grey dismal world.  After today there will be tomorrow and then more days after that, getting further and further away from yesterday, when we talked and he held me and in the midst of his confusion, I was still with him and we made each other laugh and said that we loved each other.

I understand where he is coming from and understand his confusion, I just don't understand how we can feel this way about each other and You not make it work.  Lord, please be with him.  Nothing has ever hurt like this.  Lord, my whole being aches.  I long to be with You, please take me from this place, please be done with me here, there is no more good that can come of me.  I wanted to live a hundred years with him, but I can't see living one more day without him.

The joy has gone, it has left me.  Lord, what do I do?  Lord, please make it easier to breath, help me to eat, even though food has no taste.  Please help me get through today.  You are with me, Your Spirit is inside me, You are working all things out for the good of those who love You.  Lord, I love You.  I do not like what is happening right now, but I trust and know that You know what You are doing.