Sunday, October 23, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
a grey day
It's another grey day, among the first of more to follow in increasing density. I wonder why it's always the grey days that lend me to pause. It's this grey indifference, stuck in the middle of of choosing a weather pole. In an odd way I feel like I can relate to this grey day; not out of choice, but out of circumstance. You know this circumstance frustrates me; I disagree with You and yet concede to Your will, recognizing all of my inadaquacies, and finally accepting what I know to be true--You are God.
My heart longs for the bright warmth of the sun, embracing the joy and the hope of life, but I am here, ever-conscious of the weather's indifference. And I find myself pondering the similarities with the grey; within myself--this longing for joy, that lingers in hope; this ambivalence toward love, a confidence amid my uncertainties about life. Spring feels like a long way off, yet I discover more of what He desires for me to surrender--the small moments of the day; eye contact, a smile, a thank you, a listening ear, a simple response, a note, a hug. It's as if this grey-ness has sensitized me to what's going on around me, to focus on the people in my days, becoming aware of their needs, their desires, their emptiness that the Lord has graciously filled within my heart.
This season of grey, feels distinct though. It's as though I'm on a brink--a new exciting endeavor, a mirage that hasn't quite taken shape yet, an adventure, to be sure. Lord, my hope rests in You, taking sanctuary in Your word and Your daily gifts of encouragement. I cry out to You, Lord, longing to be rid of these feelings of loss, hurt, and pain, these tears that sting my face, but I'm halted there, embolden by You and Your truths and Your promises calling me out of my woes and into discernment--not in it's conclusivity, but in its inception. The innermost part of my being takes joy in embarking on this new leg of the thread of our journey together in this epic of Your story You have been unfolding since the beginning of time. What do You want me to learn, what do You want me to discover dwelling in this place, on this grey day? What shall I take into tomorrow, I did not possess at dawn?
My heart longs for the bright warmth of the sun, embracing the joy and the hope of life, but I am here, ever-conscious of the weather's indifference. And I find myself pondering the similarities with the grey; within myself--this longing for joy, that lingers in hope; this ambivalence toward love, a confidence amid my uncertainties about life. Spring feels like a long way off, yet I discover more of what He desires for me to surrender--the small moments of the day; eye contact, a smile, a thank you, a listening ear, a simple response, a note, a hug. It's as if this grey-ness has sensitized me to what's going on around me, to focus on the people in my days, becoming aware of their needs, their desires, their emptiness that the Lord has graciously filled within my heart.
This season of grey, feels distinct though. It's as though I'm on a brink--a new exciting endeavor, a mirage that hasn't quite taken shape yet, an adventure, to be sure. Lord, my hope rests in You, taking sanctuary in Your word and Your daily gifts of encouragement. I cry out to You, Lord, longing to be rid of these feelings of loss, hurt, and pain, these tears that sting my face, but I'm halted there, embolden by You and Your truths and Your promises calling me out of my woes and into discernment--not in it's conclusivity, but in its inception. The innermost part of my being takes joy in embarking on this new leg of the thread of our journey together in this epic of Your story You have been unfolding since the beginning of time. What do You want me to learn, what do You want me to discover dwelling in this place, on this grey day? What shall I take into tomorrow, I did not possess at dawn?
Monday, October 17, 2011
remember God
Psalm 105
What is laid out in Psalm 105 is a beautiful picture of God remembering His promises and delivering His people into those promises. Last week I spoke about Abraham and God's covenant with him, in addition to the story of Isaac in my small group. While studying to teach and and walking through it with the girls it really struck me how profound and amazing God is...and how time and situation are no boundaries for God. He promised a nearly 100 year old man have a son from a barren wife--wow, and then on top of that, that He would make a great nation from his seed. In full view of God and out of a faithful heart, Abraham was willing to sacrifice his one and only son whom he waited for for a very long time. This is humbling because I find myself trying to cling to and hold onto the thing I so desperately did not want to lose--not trusting God with His plans or purposes in my life. It has also been encouraging listening to a series by Allstair Begg in Genesis about the life of Joseph--and how God was working all things for His good, even though certain situations seemed hopeless. God was there and remained constant while all ridiculous things happened to Joseph: sold by his own brothers and wrongfully imprisoned for years. Finally Joseph was redeemed by God and put in charge of all of Egypt by Pharaoh and forgave and was reconciled with his brothers and father. But these horrendous events had to happen for Joseph to be the man that God was creating him to be, for God's purposes, and ultimately for God's story of redemption and revealing His character, truth, and love to His people.
Which triggers this other notion that ultimately this is not my life, I am not the star in my life, God is...and this is His beautiful story of love, redemption and reconciliation that he is unfolding on earth; I am merely a piece of His puzzle, working for His glory. The purpose of my life is to glorify God, but this is not a passive role, it is an active role of I must play, continuing to get to know who I am and who and what God created me for--not in a narrow-minded way, but in a responsible way that is glorifying to God and His kingdom. Lord, show me, teach me, grow me in these areas of self knowledge so that I may be able to serve You, knowing who You have designed me to be.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
seek the Lord
I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles. (Psalm 34:4-6)
Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD. (Psalm 34:8-11)
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken. (Psalm 34:17-20)
"Look to me continually for help, comfort, and companionship. Because I am always by your side, the briefest glance can connect you with Me. When you look to Me for help, it flows freely from My Presence. This recognition of your need for Me, in small matter as well as in large ones, keeps you spiritually alive.
When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in My arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it. My constant Companionship is the piece de resistance: the summit of salvation blessings. No matter what losses you experience in your life, no one can take away this glorious gift."
October 16, Jesus Calling
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles. (Psalm 34:4-6)
Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD. (Psalm 34:8-11)
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken. (Psalm 34:17-20)
"Look to me continually for help, comfort, and companionship. Because I am always by your side, the briefest glance can connect you with Me. When you look to Me for help, it flows freely from My Presence. This recognition of your need for Me, in small matter as well as in large ones, keeps you spiritually alive.
When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in My arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it. My constant Companionship is the piece de resistance: the summit of salvation blessings. No matter what losses you experience in your life, no one can take away this glorious gift."
October 16, Jesus Calling
Friday, October 14, 2011
Lord, You are sovereign
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created. (James 1:17-18)
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. (James 1:22-25)
Lord, You are sovereign over all things, in all things, and through all things. It is who You are, part of the very nature of Your being. So when I begin to get sad about my circumstances or am temped to question You, please turn me back to trusting You Lord. I pray Your will be done. I pray that You would help me to pursue Your goodness and cling to Your promises and the truth of who You are. Lord, I surrender my heart and this situation to You today, even in all of my longings and hopes, because I have a greater hope that is in You and rooted in my relationship with You, knowing You and recognizing how much I need You in everything. I am filled with Your gift of joy today, knowing that this trial will produce perseverance, and I pray that this perseverance would finish it's work, so that I may become mature in my faith and complete one day standing before You. My hope is rooted in You, knowing that You are working all things out for good.
...deeper than my view of grace, higher than this worldly place, longer than this road I've travelled, wider than the gap you fill....
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created. (James 1:17-18)
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. (James 1:22-25)
Lord, You are sovereign over all things, in all things, and through all things. It is who You are, part of the very nature of Your being. So when I begin to get sad about my circumstances or am temped to question You, please turn me back to trusting You Lord. I pray Your will be done. I pray that You would help me to pursue Your goodness and cling to Your promises and the truth of who You are. Lord, I surrender my heart and this situation to You today, even in all of my longings and hopes, because I have a greater hope that is in You and rooted in my relationship with You, knowing You and recognizing how much I need You in everything. I am filled with Your gift of joy today, knowing that this trial will produce perseverance, and I pray that this perseverance would finish it's work, so that I may become mature in my faith and complete one day standing before You. My hope is rooted in You, knowing that You are working all things out for good.
...deeper than my view of grace, higher than this worldly place, longer than this road I've travelled, wider than the gap you fill....
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
breathe of fresh air
Today is a new day. There is this sadness still in my heart, that will probably linger there for quite a while, but this weekend has refreshed me, renewed me in such a way that has refocused my life around Jesus. I think part of myself got lost in trying to restore the philosopher's hope in You Lord. In the midst of my relationship with the philosopher and our identities not being rooted in You, Lord, I began to lose knowing who I am. I was reminded last night in the presence of Your love and mercy that my identity is in You. What makes me me is that I know and love You and that I want to live a life in response to Your saving love. So many times You have saved me from things and out of things that when the philosopher broke up with me, I was a little lost, not being firmly rooted in my identity in You. It's as if in his uncertainties about life and me rubbed off on me and I lost who I was--it's embarrassing to admit that someone could have such an effect on me, but I love him and when he started pulling away I naturally thought there was something wrong with me and tried to figure it out, therein questioning everything about myself and who I was. Well, I'm on my way back to knowing myself beginning with knowing the most important thing about me, and that's that my identity is rooted in Christ, not in what I do, not my accomplishments, not who my friends are, but in You who died for my sins and placed Your spirit inside of me. Whatever happens with the philosopher and I, I trust You completely and completely surrender our relationship to You. You breathed Your breathe into man (Gen 2:7) and gave him life, just as You breathed Your life into me, I pray that I would become a catalyst for your love transferring Your breathe of life out into the world.
Difficult circumstances, trials, tribulations will come, but You are still God. You remain the ever-present, never-changing, always-loving God who is living inside of me. You say that "[I am, myself] God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in [my] midst" (1Cor. 3:16), You say to me "I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters" (2 Cor. 6:18); You tell me to "not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deut.31:6). Lord, thank You for being Yourself....that sounds silly, but seriously, thank You!!! Thank You for revealing Your love for me so quickly, even when I wanted to ignore it and just be sad, depressed, and without hope...You tell me, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer. 29:11) and "in all things God works for the good of those who love him" (Rom. 8:28) and Lord I love You.
And my verse for 2011: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2Cor 5:16)
Difficult circumstances, trials, tribulations will come, but You are still God. You remain the ever-present, never-changing, always-loving God who is living inside of me. You say that "[I am, myself] God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in [my] midst" (1Cor. 3:16), You say to me "I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters" (2 Cor. 6:18); You tell me to "not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deut.31:6). Lord, thank You for being Yourself....that sounds silly, but seriously, thank You!!! Thank You for revealing Your love for me so quickly, even when I wanted to ignore it and just be sad, depressed, and without hope...You tell me, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer. 29:11) and "in all things God works for the good of those who love him" (Rom. 8:28) and Lord I love You.
And my verse for 2011: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2Cor 5:16)
Friday, October 7, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
rain
So many thoughts flood my mind, so many feelings, ambivalent to each other, longing cohesion and understanding.
It's raining today, not an ounce of hope for the sun. It's almost as if God mourns with me in this grey dismal world. After today there will be tomorrow and then more days after that, getting further and further away from yesterday, when we talked and he held me and in the midst of his confusion, I was still with him and we made each other laugh and said that we loved each other.
I understand where he is coming from and understand his confusion, I just don't understand how we can feel this way about each other and You not make it work. Lord, please be with him. Nothing has ever hurt like this. Lord, my whole being aches. I long to be with You, please take me from this place, please be done with me here, there is no more good that can come of me. I wanted to live a hundred years with him, but I can't see living one more day without him.
The joy has gone, it has left me. Lord, what do I do? Lord, please make it easier to breath, help me to eat, even though food has no taste. Please help me get through today. You are with me, Your Spirit is inside me, You are working all things out for the good of those who love You. Lord, I love You. I do not like what is happening right now, but I trust and know that You know what You are doing.
It's raining today, not an ounce of hope for the sun. It's almost as if God mourns with me in this grey dismal world. After today there will be tomorrow and then more days after that, getting further and further away from yesterday, when we talked and he held me and in the midst of his confusion, I was still with him and we made each other laugh and said that we loved each other.
I understand where he is coming from and understand his confusion, I just don't understand how we can feel this way about each other and You not make it work. Lord, please be with him. Nothing has ever hurt like this. Lord, my whole being aches. I long to be with You, please take me from this place, please be done with me here, there is no more good that can come of me. I wanted to live a hundred years with him, but I can't see living one more day without him.
The joy has gone, it has left me. Lord, what do I do? Lord, please make it easier to breath, help me to eat, even though food has no taste. Please help me get through today. You are with me, Your Spirit is inside me, You are working all things out for the good of those who love You. Lord, I love You. I do not like what is happening right now, but I trust and know that You know what You are doing.
I am lost
I feel abandoned.
I feel no grace.
I am so foreign in this familiar place.
I long for silence,
I'll wait for nothing.
I am the darkness that invades this space.
I am alone
And have no faith
For You have left me, and distance is near.
I am a void, an abyss.
With only loneliness that fills my emptiness.
I feel no grace.
I am so foreign in this familiar place.
I long for silence,
I'll wait for nothing.
I am the darkness that invades this space.
I am alone
And have no faith
For You have left me, and distance is near.
I am a void, an abyss.
With only loneliness that fills my emptiness.
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