a room in my heart

there's a room inside my heart that's been longing for you all my life.

I didn't know what you would look like, I didn't know what your name was, I didn't know when I would meet you, when I would fall in love with you, but you, my dear, have surpassed my deepest longings and filled my heart with a joy I've never known.

My Lord, my God, my Father, "thank you" are inadequate words for the overwhelming love I have for this man.

I love him, I trust him, and I respect him, Lord.  He is a good man, he longs to serve and honor You with his life, he encourages me in my relationship with you.  When we pray it's as if I get a peak into this ongoing continuous dialogue he has with You.

He is gentle, he is kind, he is thoughtful, he is humble and puts others before himself.

His eyes make my heart swoon.  Eyes like a deer, big and wide, yet sparkly and constantly changing color.  His mouth is sweet and beckons me when he smiles.

Lord, thank you for this heart, placed in such a gift of a man.  Thank you for his love, his strength, his wisdom, the peace and excitement he gives my heart.  Far beyond I could ever have dreamed, is this man—my love.  All of my gratitude and thanksgiving unto you Lord, your mercy, grace, and gifts are so good.

gratitude

My heart is full Lord, even when I am not following You as I should be, You lift me up and out and graciously bless me with Your mercies.  What makes You sad, makes me sad Lord--how I long to live for You, a life that is beautiful and glorifying to You, obedient to You, and in alignment with Your will and Your purposes, Lord.

Thank you for aligning his heart with Yours, Lord, thank you for giving him a heart that longs for the same things I do, even when I am too weak to voice my thoughts.  Thank you for a man who acts in accordance with his heart, who puts no delay to what is good and of You, thank you for a man who loves You.  How beautifully wonderful You have sewn together a heart that encourages mine not to fear, but to be bold for You and Your truth and goodness.  May there be a day that You have blessed that joins our hearts together as one, may we love and serve You with our hearts and lives, may you be glorified and Your name be praised.  Lord, You are faithful and Your goodness abounds, what a precious gift You have brought me, thank you for this peace I have, seeing You so readily in this man.  Lord, I am in awe of and humbled by Your power and thankful for the gifts of love and mercy You have blessed me with.

the man I've only dreamed of

Lord, what You are doing is supernatural, I couldn't have planned it better, Lord, I didn't know that You formed peoples' hearts like this, I stand in speechless amazement and awe, at the love You display through this man before me.  This feeling of peace, and hope, and overwhelming joy, and love, and excitement, and abounding dreams.

He says he's not patient, but he is the most patient man I've ever known--six months, this is a virtuous man, to put Your work above his desires.  Not having any idea of his affections until an appropriate time, he is a man of self control and perseverance.  He is humble and he is kind, he puts others before himself, he is intentional with his relationship with You Lord.  He honors you with his whole life.  He is eager to pray for me and does it as naturally as breathing.  Lord, his heart is peaceful and open before you, so evident through his words, woven like an honest song unfolding before me from the deepness of his heart.

Lord, he lavishes me with adorations, loving me the way my heart longs to be loved.  He sees me.  He knows me.  He respects and honors me, Lord.  He makes me feel anew, precious, lovely.  I find myself sighing in a reckless abandon to love, this pure and freeing love that is rooted in You Lord--a gift from above.  You love to give your children good gifts, and this is beyond anything I could imagine.  Lord, his heart is beautifully made--made to match up with mine, compliment it in every way.  

I am NEW and our God is Good!

Oh the joy that floods my soul, overwhelming and overflowing my heart, an unstoppable deluge, Lord. Today I do feel different, I feel new, I feel like this new life you speak of!  I have known you and You have walked beside me and worked in my heart for so many years, but today, I stand, proudly declaring that You are my Father, my Savior, my king, Lord, you are the one who directs and guides my life and pray that You would continue the work You have begun.


"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." --1Peter 1:3-9 

Lately You have answered unfathomable prayers and blessed me with showers upon showers of grace and mercy and blessings, that I don't even know how to respond to.  Lord, I surrender this vessel to You, to Your will, to Your plans, Your work.

scars

You fill the space of all that the world has left empty.  The expectations and promises of the world left me unfulfilled.  I trusted those who were weak, who knew not what they were saying or thinking.  It is good to trust people, to have hope in people, but not too many times.  Too much faith or trust in people has made me out to be a fool.

There is a deep purple scar on my heart, thick with scar tissue that only You can knead, You can heal, only You can relieve the pain.  I opened myself up to love again, and again, and again

remember, I Am who I Am

May I feel the fullness of your love and grace in the hole that's in my heart.  This crater that you have let form, may you fill it with your overwhelming love and hope and peace and patience, Lord.  You, the God that can create and move mountains, can change hearts and give hope, in places left empty by the world.  

May I not take your grace lightly, may I sit before your feet and begin to grasp the gravity of your grace, the costliness of which You have paid for my sin; and respond with a life that acknowledges this profound gift, without ever taking it lightly or for granted.  

Your gifts are overwhelming and you lavish them upon me, Lord.  May my heart stay humble and thankful before you, even in the midst of things being taken from me or removed from my life--for You know what will be a blessing and honor to Your name and Your kingdom.  When I question and begin to doubt Your purposes in my life, may You remind me that You are sovereign, that You love me, and that You are working all things out for my good and Your glory, Lord.  

Remember.  That's what I hear You saying to me.  Remember, where I have taken You from, remember what I have saved You from, remember who I have called you to be, remember how I responded to you when you have cried out to me, remember what I have taught You, remember my words and my works in your life, Lauren.  Remember who I am.  Look around you, do you see this beautiful world I have created, look into the eyes of the people I have placed in your life, listen for My still small voice in our time together.  You are my daughter, whom I've known before you were born, I love you and I will not let you go, I am with you and living inside of you, I will not leave you or forsake you, you are beautiful in my eyes and I will see My work in you through the end of this life--till we meet face to face. 

lead me

"Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord, as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love." 2 Peter 1:2-7

"It is the initiative of God and the presence of god without which all of our efforts are in vain--whether it is in justification or sanctification or in the realm of the exercise of power, all our efforts will be in vain if God does not act.  But we had better believe that the back side of that verse reads: "If you do nothing it will be without me."  And this is the part we have the hardest time hearing"  Dallas Willard, Spiritual Formation: What it is, and How it is Done

Create in me a new heart, oh Lord.  May my life reflect Your Holy Spirit that lives inside me.  I pray that You would give me Your strength and peace and holiness during uncertain times, that You would be my rock and my joy.  May what I profess with my lips be proclaimed through my life.  Keep me steadfast in your love--recognizing my failures and thus, my desperate need for you, while helping to make me holy, loving and giving back to You that which is already Yours.

Lord, You have captured my heart from the darkness and rescued me into Your light, may You continue to work in me and help me to grow into a creature that is beautiful.  I pray that You would narrow the gap between what I confess with my mouth and how I act in this world.  Since this life is eternal, I pray that You would give me the strength to obey You, a heart that desires goodness, and a body that acts in communion with You and Your purposes.  Keep me from disobedience and encourage me into actions of Your will, for Your glory, Lord.

through and through

"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through.  May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it."  1Thessalonians 5:23-24

strength

A strength of hope, of trust.  Not merely a strength of pushing forward or pushing through, but this sort of strength from within.  Not from me, but from within me.  My God, how great thou art.  How Your hope and trust has been blanketed upon me.  A gift of comforting warmth and protection, from all things, my circumstances and especially my inner urge to push on, push through, push forward.  Thank You Lord, for answering prayers, especially mine.  eegghh, it makes me want to cry in joyful adoration, Lord....You are so good to me and beyond what I could dream up to heal myself.  Thank you for Your patience, Lord.  I trust You and give my whole self to You again today.  May my actions praise You, honor You and bring glory to Your name.

job 10

“Your hands shaped me and made me.
   Will you now turn and destroy me?
Remember that you molded me like clay.
   Will you now turn me to dust again?
Did you not pour me out like milk
   and curdle me like cheese,
clothe me with skin and flesh
   and knit me together with bones and sinews?
You gave me life and showed me kindness,
   and in your providence watched over my spirit."


job 10:8-12

a hope greater than life

Miracles make it easy to believe in God, to trust Him, to have hope.  Lord, thank you for Your countless blessings and Your eager willingness to watch over me and guide my heart back into Your presence.  Even when I feel alone and abandoned by you, You remind me that You are here with me, in this place, and that You will never leave me no matter how rough the road or how stormy the sea, You will continue to guide those who trust and have hope in You.

the fog

This fog is like a prelude to: the days of tomorrow, to the days of no more sorrow.

To the dreams that turn to fears, and the fears that change to tears.

Till I wake alone in my winters bed,

Chilled salty emptiness upon my face,

Icey air that flurries around my head,

Leaden heart inveigles to end this race.

I long for thy presence and wait...

Longing for the days where I enjoy a sunset, where what follows I no longer dread.

For the days of laughter and cheers, covering all those of loneliness and fears.

This fog is thicker, now as I wait upon tomorrow...

psalm 37

Psalm 37

¹ Do not fret because of those who are evil
   or be envious of those who do wrong;
² for like the grass they will soon wither,
   like green plants they will soon die away.

 ³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
   dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 ⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
   trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
   your vindication like the noonday sun.

 ⁷ Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
   when they carry out their wicked schemes.

 ⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
   do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ For those who are evil will be destroyed,
   but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

 ¹⁰ A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
   though you look for them, they will not be found.
¹¹ But the meek will inherit the land
   and enjoy peace and prosperity.

 ¹² The wicked plot against the righteous
   and gnash their teeth at them;
¹³ but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
   for he knows their day is coming.

 ¹⁴ The wicked draw the sword
   and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
   to slay those whose ways are upright.
¹⁵ But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
   and their bows will be broken.

 ¹⁶ Better the little that the righteous have
   than the wealth of many wicked;
¹⁷ for the power of the wicked will be broken,
   but the LORD upholds the righteous.

 ¹⁸ The blameless spend their days under the LORD’s care,
   and their inheritance will endure forever.
¹⁹ In times of disaster they will not wither;
   in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.

 ²⁰ But the wicked will perish:
   Though the LORD’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
   they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.

 ²¹ The wicked borrow and do not repay,
   but the righteous give generously;
²² those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
   but those he curses will be destroyed.

 ²³ The LORD makes firm the steps
   of the one who delights in him;
²⁴ though he may stumble, he will not fall,
   for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

 ²⁵ I was young and now I am old,
   yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
   or their children begging bread.
²⁶ They are always generous and lend freely;
   their children will be a blessing.^[b]

 ²⁷ Turn from evil and do good;
   then you will dwell in the land forever.
²⁸ For the LORD loves the just
   and will not forsake his faithful ones.

   Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed^[c];
   the offspring of the wicked will perish.
²⁹ The righteous will inherit the land
   and dwell in it forever.

 ³⁰ The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
   and their tongues speak what is just.
³¹ The law of their God is in their hearts;
   their feet do not slip.

 ³² The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
   intent on putting them to death;
³³ but the LORD will not leave them in the power of the wicked
   or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

 ³⁴ Hope in the LORD
   and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
   when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.

 ³⁵ I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
   flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
³⁶ but he soon passed away and was no more;
   though I looked for him, he could not be found.

 ³⁷ Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
   a future awaits those who seek peace.^[d]
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
   there will be no future^[e] for the wicked.

 ³⁹ The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
   he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
⁴⁰ The LORD helps them and delivers them;
   he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
   because they take refuge in him.

an army of protection

I'll wait on You Lord (creator, redeemer, sustainer of the universe, all-loving, all-knowing, all powerful, sovereign God, Father in heaven who: died for me, for all; who is all goodness, all righteousness, pure justice, all-merciful and full of grace).  Take this heart and this body and make it Your home, live and breathe inside of it.  May your glory be praised in all words and all ways, may your light shine beyond the dim grey of my ways.  Conquer this heart and this mind, I need Your power and strength; I long for your goodness in the places that my humanity clings to.  Unbind my grip on the things that are not of you, please place Yourself at the forefront of my mind, as a soldier at the gate of my heart, the key at the entrance of my mouth and as an army in every fiber of my being; protecting and fighting for what is good and right and glorifying to You, Lord.

We spoke today,
You shared your dismay,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I am a wretch,
diserving of death,
I go my own way, I go my own way.

Your word is living breath,
and still I turn away?!
Help me today, help me today!

I surrender this heart
I give you my body,
And I pray, I pray.

Your light is within me,
Your very Spirit, living,
May you stay, please stay!

here again

I find myself here again,

My tears fall on Your feet again.

Only a moment you keep me here,

With bleeding heart You draw me near.

You ask me where I've been,
And you remind me of who you've been.

You tell me that I'm forgiven,
Undeserving of how I've been livin'.

You hold me in your right arm,
And keep me from eternal harm.

You ask me to follow You,
And I pray, Lord help me to.

You are victorious in all that You do,
I pray for Your light to shine through.

none like You

a grey day

It's another grey day, among the first of more to follow in increasing density.  I wonder why it's always the grey days that lend me to pause.  It's this grey indifference, stuck in the middle of of choosing a weather pole.  In an odd way I feel like I can relate to this grey day; not out of choice, but out of circumstance.  You know this circumstance frustrates me; I disagree with You and yet concede to Your will, recognizing all of my inadaquacies, and finally accepting what I know to be true--You are God.

My heart longs for the bright warmth of the sun, embracing the joy and the hope of life, but I am here, ever-conscious of the weather's indifference.  And I find myself pondering the similarities with the grey; within myself--this longing for joy, that lingers in hope; this ambivalence toward love, a confidence amid my uncertainties about life.  Spring feels like a long way off, yet I discover more of what He desires for me to surrender--the small moments of the day; eye contact, a smile, a thank you, a listening ear, a simple response, a note, a hug.  It's as if this grey-ness has sensitized me to what's going on around me, to focus on the people in my days, becoming aware of their needs, their desires, their emptiness that the Lord has graciously filled within my heart.

This season of grey, feels distinct though.  It's as though I'm on a brink--a new exciting endeavor, a mirage that hasn't quite taken shape yet, an adventure, to be sure.  Lord, my hope rests in You, taking sanctuary in Your word and Your daily gifts of encouragement.  I cry out to You, Lord, longing to be rid of these feelings of loss, hurt, and pain, these tears that sting my face, but I'm halted there, embolden by You and Your truths and Your promises calling me out of my woes and into discernment--not in it's conclusivity, but in its inception.  The innermost part of my being takes joy in embarking on this new leg of the thread of our journey together in this epic of Your story You have been unfolding since the beginning of time.  What do You want me to learn, what do You want me to discover dwelling in this place, on this grey day?  What shall I take into tomorrow, I did not possess at dawn?

for You are with me

remember God

Psalm 105

What is laid out in Psalm 105 is a beautiful picture of God remembering His promises and delivering His people into those promises.  Last week I spoke about Abraham and God's covenant with him, in addition to the story of Isaac in my small group.  While studying to teach and and walking through it with the girls it really struck me how profound and amazing God is...and how time and situation are no boundaries for God.  He promised a nearly 100 year old man have a son from a barren wife--wow, and then on top of that, that He would make a great nation from his seed.  In full view of God and out of a faithful heart, Abraham was willing to sacrifice his one and only son whom he waited for for a very long time.  This is humbling because I find myself trying to cling to and hold onto the thing I so desperately did not want to lose--not trusting God with His plans or purposes in my life.  It has also been encouraging listening to a series by Allstair Begg in Genesis about the life of Joseph--and how God was working all things for His good, even though certain situations seemed hopeless.  God was there and remained constant while all ridiculous things happened to Joseph: sold by his own brothers and wrongfully imprisoned for years.  Finally Joseph was redeemed by God and put in charge of all of Egypt by Pharaoh and forgave and was reconciled with his brothers and father.  But these horrendous events had to happen for Joseph to be the man that God was creating him to be, for God's purposes, and ultimately for God's story of redemption and revealing His character, truth, and love to His people.

Which triggers this other notion that ultimately this is not my life, I am not the star in my life, God is...and this is His beautiful story of love, redemption and reconciliation that he is unfolding on earth; I am merely a piece of His puzzle, working for His glory.  The purpose of my life is to glorify God, but this is not a passive role, it is an active role of I must play, continuing to get to know who I am and who and what God created me for--not in a narrow-minded way, but in a responsible way that is glorifying to God and His kingdom.  Lord, show me, teach me, grow me in these areas of self knowledge so that I may be able to serve You, knowing who You have designed me to be.

seek the Lord

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; 
he delivered me from all my fears. 
Those who look to him are radiant; 
their faces are never covered with shame. 
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; 
he saved him out of all his troubles. (Psalm 34:4-6)


Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD. (Psalm 34:8-11)



The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken. (Psalm 34:17-20)


"Look to me continually for help, comfort, and companionship. Because I am always by your side, the briefest glance can connect you with Me. When you look to Me for help, it flows freely from My Presence. This recognition of your need for Me, in small matter as well as in large ones, keeps you spiritually alive. 


When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in My arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it. My constant Companionship is the piece de resistance: the summit of salvation blessings. No matter what losses you experience in your life, no one can take away this glorious gift."
October 16, Jesus Calling